The Pod

The Pod

cassandra

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(no subject)	[Nov. 26th, 2009\|03:11 pm]
To begin with: my internet sucks, and so does my "l" button. Today is thanksgiving :) im not sure how i feel about it yet. my sister is away at starlas, and tyler is gone at bretts. my parents and grandparents are sitting downstairs more or less discussing my future. and i am up here, not sure what i want to do with myself. i went to tylers moms this morning. im not sure how that made me feel. i dont feel like i fit in, i suppose. im really shy around them, and usually i feel like the loudest or weirdest person wherever i go. i spent today sitting quietly by tyler, and trying to find things to say in situations i felt awkward in. now ty and i are arguing, and i feel like i should have known it would happen. at this point i feel like we are falling apart. he spends about 50% of each day with other people, and then of the 50% i get, some of that is sleep. the rest of the day he just acts antsy, like whatever it is were doing isnt as entertaining. hes always "chilling at anthonys" or "going to stephs house", "brett needs a ride" or any other grouping of names and excuses. true, i often turn down invitations out. but i feel awkward now around my friends. so i just stay home, and let tyler go do whatever it is hes doing. it just bothers me that hes doing it today. i didnt want to go to his thanksgiving, but i did. and now that its over, he leaves pretty much instantly. im not sure whether i feel like he doesnt want to be with me, or i dont want to be with him, or what. but our communication level sucks, and so then so does our relationship. thanksgiving is supposed to make you feel happy and full. instead i feel really lonely. i feel like maybe this is all me. like maybe this is just my current form of "depression" or "anxiety" or whatever word i want to describe it. i dunno. i just want to be happy again.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 5th, 2009\|11:40 am]
today is "get shit done day". it is also "pay day", and im gonna be getting the biggest check ive had since i lost my license! im so excited!! ive been in a really bad mood recently though. tyler and i fight like 247. im not sure if its because im a dumb bitch who just complains and causes problems, or if its what ive been saying all along. i keep telling him he needs to get a job, and that i shouldnt have to nag on him. but he just wont do it. hes out with brett right now. as usual. and i feel bad, because i love brett. but im beginning to hate tyler being around him. he drives around and wastes money on gas. and smokes all day long. im so incredibly tired of it. when we started dating i thought he was different. he said hed get a job, that hed take care of me, and i believed him. maybe i was wrong to be so naive. its just become a constant fight, and its about ready to kill our relationship. i wonder whether maybe it would be better to just break up and let him be irresponsible. its really not my job to get his ass in line. im not his mom, why do i need to raise him? especially since his own mom has already called it quits on trying to get him to grow up. but if i do like her and kick him out, i lose him entirely. i cant just say i love you, but i cant keep supporting you when you arent doing anything with your life. because thats breaking up, and he wont come around. im becoming depressed about boys. im reading We the Living, by Ayn Rand, and its becoming increasingly apparent why i cant be happy in a relationship. i was raised in a fake world, and i want to find a boy who fits into that idea. i want someone who will be forgiving and loving, who will buy me gifts and take me out when im sad. whos strong and sociable and treats me special. tyler does a lot of those things. hes sweet and caring. hes patient with me and tries to understand and support me. but he is so incredibly immature. he doesnt understand the meaning of being on time. the importance of getting a job. that there are other things to do but smoke weed. and that some things really need to be thought about in advance. my heart feels so heavy with all this anxiety. i dont know how to just live with him and not want to punch him in the face every time someone shows up at my house without warning. or every time he rolls a blunt when he promised hed do applications. i really dont know what to do. or maybe it would be more accurate to say i DO know what to do, but i really dont want to have to do it. i want to believe i can fix things for us. or for him. but maybe i cant...
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(no subject)	[Oct. 28th, 2009\|11:49 pm]
ive been feeling very confused. about my family. i dont really know what theyre doing. or, maybe more importantly, what they THINK theyre doing. because whatever it is, it doesnt make much sense to me... my dad works a lot now i guess. he barely has time for anything anymore he says. he doesnt game anymore as far as i know, and its rare that i see him on the couch in the front room reading a book. he takes me to lunch and we talk about school and my friends and life goals. but i dunno... although i feel more on the same level with him than i ever was before, its not the same. its like we dont quite know eachother anymore. my mom is also hardly ever home. shes still super friendly heather, the mom who talks to my friends and helps me with my homework and is always in charge of the situation. shes in school, and i guess has a job. which in and of itself startles me. my mom was always just my mom. the boss, but my mom. she has never worked in my memory, unless it was like nonprofit or to help out with something. i guess she worked for real estate, but that was from home. it makes me sad that shes not here anymore. i feel i should dedicate an entire paragraph to her and rocky. because it makes me sick. i hate hearing about him, thinking about him. at least if he was my stepdad or something it would be a normal hate. instead its like everyone ignores its happening for the most part. my mom talks about him in front of my dad. and when we went to get pictures taken they held hands and they kiss and mess around in front of me and ty. i just dont get it. and i dont know anyone but jessica who can even relate. who else has parents that do shit like that? as for jessica, she has really grown up. like when i was 16 things were still going pretty slow for me. it wasnt until 18 that years started flying by. i know im only 19, but it seems like things are happening in the blink of an eye now. and maybe i just see jess from that viewpoint. shes still in high school, but in only 2 years shell be in college. shes getting all the pamphlets and catalogs from the different colleges that i was so excited about at her age. she is so active, playing sports and looking for a job. honestly, im really proud of her. but it makes me sad that shes growing up in this home environment, while i grew up in one that now seems vastly different. i never though about what "home life" meant growing up. my family was always happy. we had a father who worked and loved us, a mother who stayed home and took care of EVERYTHING, and two kids who were smart and, i guess, pretty. not i dont even know if i want to call us a family. not like we were before. since ive been home ive tried to make some order in the house. no one does dishes anymore. no one vaccuums. no one does their laundry or talks to rainbow. and suki just lays around all day. it frankly makes me want to cry. so i do the dishes twice a day and wipe out the sink. i vaccuum every step of the stairs. i try to get everyone to get their laundry and put on the next load. and i give rainbow attention and try to talk my parents into taking suki to the groomer. i feel like im having to take care of my entire family, because i see us falling apart. or maybe i see us growing up. i dont know, but something has gone wrong in this house. my parents stayed togeter simply for the sake of jessica and i, or at least thats how it appears now. i dont know how to feel about that. im not sure if im thankful that my parents stayed together to raise us, and kept things orderly in our house for the most part. or whether i feel betrayed coming home to find the place horribly different, and quite foreign. i am afraid to move away, for fear that i wont ever be able to come home at all. afraid that if i move to santa cruz or san francisco or la, my parents will divorce and my sister will graduate and follow me in leaving the house, and i wont know what to call home anymore. i want to go to stan state if only to be around to remind everyone that were a family. but then i wonder whether this would be me sacrificing my dreams... again. honestly, i dont know what to do these days. i try to care about school. to keep my things in order. to not fight with ty and give him as much love as i can. but it gets to me, worrying about all this stuff. i feel it overpowering me when im alone and dont have to keep up a face, and i dont know what to do with myself. i just want to run in a million directions at once, clean the house, talk to my sister, go shopping with my mom and drive to yosemite with my dad. its just not fair that things have to work out so differently from the way you were told they would. and that its nothing that you can help. as much as i keep trying to come up with ways to make things at least FEEL better, i know that what will happen has to happen. and that no matter how much i do, maybe its truly just out of my control.
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(no subject)	[Sep. 28th, 2009\|07:55 pm]
i really hate how life works out sometimes. for the first time ever, i really cant eat, cant just chill out. my entire body feels like it just wants to repel everything so daniel hit a house the other night, and had to go to the hospital. he was really drunk and got a dui, and after i heard all i wanted was to make sure he was ok. i typed up a text to him and then decided to not send it, because i knew tyler would be mad. which was the first sign that i was going to hate this entire course of events. then i talked to spencer at school, and he said it was ok for me to want to tell him im glad hes alright. so i typed up another text, saying basically the same thing as the first, and started to send it too. i chickened out, and when tyler asked me if i texted daniel i said no. i guess i shouldnt even want to. spencer told tyler i texted daniel. which makes me really mad, because spencer seems to just tattle on me even after he was on my side to begin with. when tyler texted me saying he knew i talked to daniel, my heart just hurt. i dont know why spencer would tell him. i dont know why tyler would not understand. i dont know why this even has to happen. all i want to do is cry. tyler is mad at me for being happy daniel isnt dead. and i dont think its so wrong of me to be thankful for that. i never talk to him, never see him. never really even defend him anymore. hes just daniel, my ex. but hearing that he came that close to dying, i would have felt so horrible saying nothing. i know if i had almost died i would want him to at least acknowledge that i was in trouble. it makes me wonder if tyler and i will ever be able to work past the whole daniel obstacle. i cant have 0 interest in daniels life. regardless of anything he did to me, he was still a big part of my life for a long time. and i still want him to turn out to be a good person. and how can he do that if he dies? i dont know... i just cant seem to handle anything anymore. i feel so restricted. i spend so much time and energy trying to just make tyler happy. to take care of everything. to make money and be supportive and get him out into the world. im not his mother, i shouldnt have to brainstorm punishments for not going to interviews. or call him to make sure hes out of bed. hes 18, and completely capable of making something of himself. and yet he gives me a hard time and then blows up on me when i have a logical amount of interest in someone i shouldnt be talking to. so i guess hes taking me home tonight. it makes me upset that he has to take me home just because i apparently sent one "get well" text to an ex. he does so many things that make me upset. and i do almost nothing in response. i dont take the car away or yell at him or tell him to fuck off. im here for him every day. i love him every day. and even though he loves me back and is a great boyfriend, sometimes he just doesnt get it. i have no idea what to do about this. i dont know if i should get mad back at him and just go home and be pissed. or if i should apologize and try to make things better. because im tired of doing that. every time he gets mad i beg and plead and try to make it all ok. when i get mad he makes me promises and i let it go. and then he doesnt make good. i love him, but i dont know whats right and wrong about this one. i just wish, for once, he could see my side and tell me its ok...
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(no subject)	[Sep. 20th, 2009\|06:59 pm]
man o man. i seem to be getting back into this livejournal thing again... so every day when im home alone i get on aim to see if jackie is on. ive been thinking about her a lot recently, and just want to have a nice conversation with someone who knows a lot about me and likes me anyways. or at least liked me anyways... but alas she wasnt available, and i was left just reading livejournal posts about when we were dating and having no one to talk to. so, logically, that would lead to me just posting about it... obviously.. honestly, im not really positive about why i want to talk to her so bad. i think im thinking a lot of thoughts i used to think, if that makes sense. and its making me quite nostalgic for when those thoughts used to be ok. it seems that within the course of the last year or two, i have lost my freedom to think about things deeply. i still do, but i have next to no one to express any of these thoughts to. and even posting like this is difficult where it used to be second nature. i feel like ive lost my expressive talent. i read letters and journals from the J+C period, when i was deeply in love and was willing to be without in order to be with her for a few months out of the year. i still find it hard to believe that i could have been as patient and mature as it seems i was. or maybe now, with the added intrigue of a few years, it seems a lot more fascinating than it actually was... but really... ive been caught up in thinking about it a lot. it made me smile seeing my box of letters from jackie, in which she promised to build a life for us. where she would tell me about her college classes that seemed so foreign to me then, and include little things that would brighten my day. i remembered a lot of things i thought i had forgotten. it seems that there was something special with her. i dont know... some of that magic is missing from my life these days. is it my lifestyle or the passage of time? am i not being true to myself and making my emotions negative because i am trying to force myself into a role i dont truly fit? or did i just grow up, and without the power of high school and naivete everything just looks a little darker. i really dont know. maybe its a mix of both. maybe i just need to lighten up? or maybe this isnt the life for me? im having to think about a lot of things these days. everyone is expecting me to make some kind of career choice and start taking steps to achieve that goal. i say i want to teach preschool, but it occurred to me today that maybe i am just sincerely looking forward to being a mother, and i need to find my true calling for my "job". honestly though, i dont want to work. i know im a "modern woman", and i should want to be equal to the men in the world and work and provide and make my own way. but a large part of me does with i could find someone nice and responsible to settle down with, who would be silly with me when its appropriate, but work and provide for me to. who would let me raise our children and take care of the house. awefully sexist, but also very appealing to me. although, i am only 19. maybe my views will change. i need some intellectual stimulation. and some emotional release. i am in desperate need of a good friend to confide in, laugh with, and rely on. i need to prove some things to myself, and get over some fears. maybe ill figure out how soon...
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(no subject)	[Sep. 13th, 2009\|06:32 pm]
i didnt think id be postin this , or so soon, when i last wrote. this may seem trivial, but brett broke my pipe today. its weird, but im taking it to mean so much. maybe i just needed an excuse... i got off work today, and tyler brought spencer with him to pick me up and they asked if i wanted to go to anthonys and drink. i didnt really want to. the colder weather and tyler moving in have made me really antisocial, and i just wanted to sit at home and not have to worry about people. but i said yes anyway, and we went. spencer was acting a little weird. i think he sees me different or something since we thizzed. at least thats how it feels... like hes mad at me almost. we chilled and smoked a bowl. i felt really awkward. it felt like no one wanted to talk to me, or that maybe i didnt want to talk to anyone? i dont know... i just felt really alone and upset. they packed a bowl in my pipe. and brett dropped it. i was so many kinds of upset. i almost cried in front of almost every guy friend i had. it was really hard not to... i was sad that it was broken, obviously. but it wasnt quite that simple. i had told tyler if he broke my pipe id break up with him. or something like that. that pipe meant so much to me. i bought it back in the days when i had a LOT of money to spend. i bought myself the best of everything. got myself what i REALLY wanted. and i loved that pipe. i loved its shape, its colors. i loved how it felt in my hand and how it was so sturdy and had such a nice bowl. i liked its three little dots and the little bit of glitter. in short, it was perfect in my eyes. i wanted to get daniel one that was like it, because i loved it so much. but his never compared in my eyes. the boys say i can fix it with glue, that its a clean break. i agree. they say it will be a battle scar, and i could probably say that. but i feel like i shouldnt let it go that easy. this pipe is the one thing that i had that i was really proud of, with no strings attached. i feel almost betrayed... i want to stop being "one of the guys", because as much as i try to be, im not. i want a good, girly girl friend to be able to text or call anytime day or night, and tell whatever im worried or sad about. i always try to go to tyler with all those things, but he never gets it. and i just get mad... i dunno... i feel like today and this time is a turning point. im not sure how yet, but i feel it.
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(no subject)	[Sep. 11th, 2009\|04:34 pm]
things are... going. school has started and im looking forward to the distraction and stimulation it will bring me. tyler still doesnt have a job, but at least we arent fighting over daniel every day. thats not to say we dont fight. do we ever... but at least its about actual problems, not my ex boyfriend. i guess im learning some patience. every time i want to talk to daniel i just remind myself that the time will come, and when it does i can reward myself for not acting on impulse. i accidently logged into his email the other day. hes getting into some stuff that could hurt him in the end... and hes not being very honest with his new girl. at least, i dont think he is. he certainly wasnt with me. i saw emails from before we broke up of him talking dirty to both girls AND guys. it hurts to see that stuff and know that even when i was still so invested in him and he told me i was wrong, he was doing worse behind my back. at least i went for someone i knew well and was comfortable with. daniel is talking to complete strangers. and might be getting into the porn business... i almost want to text him just to tell him he never made me cum. maybe then hed stop being so cocky about his... well... cock. and stop telling these strangers he knows "how to use it" tyler painted me a picture about a week ago, and did a really good job. now hes drawing and painting every day. i bought him a sketchpad with some nice, thick, painting paper in it. and some paints. its strange, because now that hes actually interested in something i care about, it almost doesnt matter. im trying so hard to be optomistic and positive. but theres just something going on in my heart that i cant get over. its not daniel. i dont really want anything romantic to do with him after everything ive found out and thought over about him. its just this stange sadness... sometimes ill be sitting at home alone while tyler is out with friends (i hardly ever want to see people anymore) and i just want to cry. there is never a good reason. and i never actually do. but i feel it well up in my chest. its a kind of missing, or disappointment, a feeling of being lost and not being sure of where i was even headed in the first place. part of me wants to break up with ty, partly because we fight almost daily. partly because things seem to have changed between us. but mainly because of this sadness, and the fact that he cant seem to make it go away. i dont know if i should attribute this feeling to my own disposition, and try to work through it in some fashion that... somehow... worked in the past. but it seems that every time i have felt this hopelessness i then fell in love. and miracle of miracles, that wonderful person made all my sorrows go away. maybe that is my worst mistake... falling in love with someone who can fix my problems momentarily, instead of remaining an island until i can fix them myself, and permanently. i want to break up and spend time working on myself. and part of me wants to call that a break, and tell tyler that once i work through this personal dilemma i will be his again. but will i? i am afraid to break away from him and have to find my own path, and possibly lose the love he certainly has for me. no one has ever been like this for me, not in the way that he is. and i want that in my life partner. but i dont know if tyler is "the one", or if he is just opening a door for me, to other guys who will be like him and make me feel safe being as weird, or as disgusting, or as confused or pathetic as i am at times. as is pretty clear, i have a lot on my mind. and im becoming quite... i dont know... lofty? about the whole thing... it feels nice though
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(no subject)	[Aug. 25th, 2009\|03:48 pm]
that last post was from a while ago. tyler and i are coming up on our 4 month now, and im not sure if well make it. we got in a big fight today. maybe one of the biggest weve had. it makes me sad, to see us falling apart like this. part of me wants to break up, because im tired of all the problems we have and how hard it is to just get along. but then when the time comes to just walk away and move on, i cant do it. he has a lot of growing up to do, but i love him a lot. however, i dont want to make the same mistake i did with daniel. i dont want to let him scare me so many times i believe i cant live without him. because i know i can. and with how things are going recently, i might have to. but i dont want to. its so hard... no boy has ever, and i mean EVER made me feel like he does. he is just so sweet to me. he takes care of me and makes me smile. he doesnt laugh at me when i cry. he tried to like my music, and takes me wherever i want to go. i dont know... there is just something about him. i dont want to get caught up, but its hard not to. i dunno, i just hope im happy soon. because everything seems so hard right now. i know everything will work out in the end, i just dont want to wait...
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(no subject)	[Aug. 25th, 2009\|03:44 pm]
life is looking up for me. i am so much happier and well put together than i have been for a long time, it feels so nice. i wouldnt say my life is worry or stress free. i lost my license, and therefore depend on tyler for all my rides to and from work, and will do the same for rides to and from school when the time comes. i lost my job as a driver, so my paychecks are considerably smaller, and i dont get tips. but aside from that, life is good... :) tyler and i had our 3 month anniversary the other day. we didnt do anything special, had an unsuccessful kickback at his house and got a little tipsy. we fight a little every day, and get in big ones from time to time. i cant lie, he scares me sometimes. he will get mad and get this look in his eye that reminds me so much of daniel i feel my heart just shrink back from him. i find myself going back to my old habits of crying and pleading, blocking doorways, sitting outside of houses, sending texts and making calls until things are better. we really only ever fight over daniel, but i wish we could just not fight at all... dont take that to mean hes a bad boyfriend. he is amazing to me. he tells me every day, or more like every hour how beautiful i am and how happy he is to be with me. he cuddles with me every chance he gets, gives me kisses on the forehead when were being gentle, and kisses all over my face to make me giggle when im sad. he takes good care of me... honestly. and i really am thankful to be with him. at times daniel crosses my mind. i wonder how hes doing, miss him a little and wish i could call him up from time to time and just talk. but tyler is right, i do need to forget about him. so i try, and slowly but surely, its working. all of the singing in the car and yelling at the top of my lungs when the house is empty shows me that daniel was never for me. he would tell me to be quiet or calm down. tyler just smiles and tells me how cute i am. and i can smile back even bigger and realize how lucky i am. we say we want to spend our lives together, but maybe its a little soon to make decisions like that. were young, and dont have much history. but he is special to me, and i hope we work out all our differences sooner or later. because every time we talk about breaking up i think about the saying that theres "plenty more fish in the sea" and i realize that none of those fish are tyler, if that makes sense. and that i may find a really cute, or a really smart, or a really caring boy. but who will be my wubby?
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(no subject)	[Jun. 14th, 2009\|05:00 pm]
ahhhh, i think im finally getting back to myself after all the bullshit ive been through. ty has been so patient and SO loving to me, i really cant thank him enough. im still the melodramatic, easily upsetted cassie ive always been. i still want to straight break down and cry over nothing, or go on a grand adventure over some tiny idea. but at least im me, even if the me i am doesnt make much sense. even my view of daniel has evened out. i dont hate him anymore. im not jealous of him. i really think im a better girlfriend than ashley could ever be, plus i think im cuter, and that makes me feel a little better. but what REALLy comforts me is the fact that i think he might be gay... like seriously. i know jackie will read this eventually, and i wish i could just call her and talk to her, but im always too busy to stay on the phone for long. so i guess he got his dick sucked by a gay guy before he started dating ashley. hearing that changed my opinion entirely. suddenly im seeing everything wrong he did in our relationship in a completely new light, and its making me almost feel bad for him. i dunno... its really hard to explain. especially to tyler, who thinks i should just stop caring about him. im not the kind of person who can forget about people. anyone who knows me knows im horribly nostalgic, and incredibly forgiving. i love to love people, much more than i love to hate them. i just wish, of all the people i could hate, daniel could be the one. because as happy as i am these days, i do still feel scarred from him. and im not exactly sure how to ever completely heal from him... on other news i have court on thursday the 18th. i may be losing my license for a year... ugh. i wish i could know what would happen so i could relax. or, even better, that someone else could take care of this for me. i really hate being an adult and having to worry about these things... i dont feel like i can completely handle it...
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(no subject)	[May. 18th, 2009\|06:20 pm]
sigh i am thoroughly disappointed in myself. i have managed to make myself upset yet again over an asshole who doesnt deserve my time. he has a new girlfriend. surprise of surprises, its the girl he started talking to while we were dating. while i know that i dont really have much room to complain, since i DID sleep with his best friend, i find it especially offensive since i TRIED to have us break up when he told me about her. he said he loved me and wanted to work things out with me, and being the dumb girl i am i trusted him only to get my heart broken. i cant really say im unhappy with how things are now, because im not. i LOVE dating tyler, he really treats me well and makes me happy. but everything that happened with daniel is still making me feel like shit, and i feel like i have a lot of healing to do. knowing that he is with the bitch who killed us doesnt help at all. and knowing that he is treating her a million times better than he ever treated me doesnt help either. i wonder how i was so stupid to fall for his dumb ass. he wasnt worth my time to begin with, and he definitely isnt worth my time now. after all the insults and shit talking, and using me to the extreme, you would think i would want him completely out of my life. instead, i want to see him hurt. i really really REALLY wish i could do something to him that would make him realize how sorry of an excuse for a human he is. he doesnt deserve any happiness after what he did to me. he literally told me i wasnt good enough, made me change, and then treated me like shit for becoming who he wanted. why tell me he loved me if he didnt even love who i was?! i just dont get it. and i dont get myself. im just so mad about everything right now, and im mad that in the end im always the one who gets fucked over. why does he get to treat me like he did and then end up with some bitch, while i did everything in my power to be good to him, and im left hurting after. i wish there was something ty could do to change it, but he really cant. and its not fair for him to have to deal with me being this upset or hurt over a guy he KNEW i was too good for from day one. i guess everyone knew. i just want him to suffer and get fucked over. i really want him to have to come to me and apologize. honestly. and not be such a fucking asshole anymore. because im tired of knowing that he hasnt and may never change. it makes me feel like i fucked up even more, and that just makes me feel like shit. i guess thats all i have to say for now. because i really cant explain why im upset. i just am...
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(no subject)	[Mar. 15th, 2009\|12:21 pm]
god this is hard. i dont even know if what im feeling is right. every time i think about him i just want to break down and cry. but i cant let myself cry over him anymore. i seriously have never hurt this bad. its unerasable. i cant reason with it. i cant pretend its not there. nothing distracts me or makes me feel even good for a minute. i woke up this morning and thought we had worked everything out. i dreamed we went for a drive and talked and made up and i woke up so relieved and then realized im still in the same horrible position. he still likes another girl. and he still hates me. and i still will do anything to be with him. i cant keep thinking about this, but i cant stop. i feel so sick. i wish i had someone who could come talk to me and let me cry and tell me everything is ok. but that person is him, and he wont even respond to me. even to say to fuck off. i dont know how to get over someone i love this much. someone who is my whole world to me. its not even that i love him like i think i do. because its not like im "in" love with him. its more like hes a part of me. because really, we arent happy together a lot of the time. but how do i live without him? how do i go about my life without daniel as my backdrop? im so confused and hurt. i just want someone to make it all ok, and there really is no one. i know eventually this hurt will go away. but how long? and what am i supposed to do in the meantime? i need to talk to him more than ive ever needed anything in my life. and he wont pick up...
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(no subject)	[Mar. 12th, 2009\|12:20 am]
I got caught having sex at Sherwood. And I don't regret it one bit! But man, have I changed! that was left over from who knows when, and i thought it deserved to be posted, even if its like 10 months too late or something.. anyways, onto whats bugging me. this ashley girl. so after everything weve been through, daniel is willing to lose it all to pursue a girl he barely knows. i know that he feels like he needs to experience liking other girls. and i respect that. but at the same time, i also respect our relationship and everything weve struggled through to be together. he always makes it seem like because i thought i liked jd, this is justified. when really, i never wanted to like anyone but him, or even think i liked anyone but him. but after him tearing me down for so long, i HAD to try and move on. and now im being punished for it. i want to just break up and be upset, but find someone new who wont hurt me like this. but at the same time, i know thats not what i want at all. what i want is for daniel to realize he doesnt even like this girl, and for us to then understand eachother that much better. and we could, after us both having looked at someone else and come back, we will be so much stronger. i just dont know if thats how its going to happen... i guess its not really a question of if he likes this ashley girl more than me or not. because even though i trip and feel sick and scared over his liking her, i know he doesnt like her even nearly as much as he LOVES me. she is a pretty girl who talks to him. but honestly, there cant be any chemistry like there is with me and him. we go together like nobodys business, and even though we fight, she doesnt know him like i do. and so therefore she can never compare. but aside from the tripping and me trying to reassure myself, it really doesnt matter. this is a question of whether i believe daniel and i are meant to be together. if i believe that we are, then i need to trust him no matter how much it hurts and no matter how much i want to just cry and whine and ask him to never think of her again. i know hes not doing this to hurt me, but because its what HE needs. and if i love him, ill support him in pursuing that need, and ill even help him experience it, so that when (and i believe we will be together after this girl) we are together without her in the picture at all, he wont feel like he didnt get to see the other side. i know he does need to see the other side. it just hurts, because with the way daniel talks to and treats me, sometimes it feels like hes willing to like anyone more than me, because he hates every last little thing about me. but is that true? should i really believe the things he says when hes mad? or take him seriously when he jokes? or should i just believe that he loves me as much as i love him. that, even if he never says it or lets on, i am his world, and he doesnt want to lose me over anything. especially not an exploratory mission with some girl he barely knows. i dunno, its just hard with daniel. because the things i valued so much in the other people ive been with, like being understanding, caring, selfless, just arent present in daniel. and somehow im ok with that. like... i do get upset about it. and i do wish that he were different at times. but i dunno... hes him. and i cant ask for the person i love to be anything different than the person i love. that would just be silly... although, sometimes i do feel like i cant talk to him. like i have all this emotion in me, and sometimes it just spills over and it makes him mad because all that emotion makes him feel like im fucking up and being dramatic. but really i always have so many things to tell him, and so much in my heart, that being unable to talk about it just makes it grow and fill me up faster. it like feeds on itself. ill get upset about something he did, and then ill be upset that he doesnt care, and then upset that i cant talk to him about him not caring, and then upset that im upset about something that shouldnt be a problem. and it just grows and grows and by the end i just want to cry. because i feel like all of these things could be completely prevented, because i know we love eachother so much more than that. its just we clash. he keeps his feelings to himself, and i let my feelings hang out. i nurture, and he is independent. and i dont know if thats just sad circumstances, that we clash so much. or whether that is a sign that we shouldnt be together, if our basic natures dont mesh. i really dont know... this whole situation makes me so sad though. i dont think ive ever felt this genuinely depressed. ive felt a general depression, but ive never felt so incredibly hopeless about a situation, that i really feel paralyzed by fear. i just want someone, or especially him, to make all of this go away. tell me i can be whoever i want to be and still be accepted. that would be the best thing i could ever ask for...
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(no subject)	[Apr. 10th, 2008\|12:33 am]
im really tired. too bad nobody knows how to wake me up...
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(no subject)	[Feb. 9th, 2008\|11:00 am]
things are going weeeell, and what isnt will sort itself out soon enough. just wish i had something to do right now to distract me from my homework! maybe i can just focus all my energy on NOT getting sick. anyways, how are you?
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(no subject)	[Jan. 22nd, 2008\|08:11 am]
since i know you will read this: i hope i helped and that, even after everything, i still know you well enough to have said the right things. good lucky!
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(no subject)	[Jan. 21st, 2008\|06:36 pm]
i am ready for things to start sorting themselves out. any day now would be nice.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 16th, 2008\|11:43 pm]
today went perfectly. i can only begin to appreciate it...
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(no subject)	[Jan. 13th, 2008\|10:31 am]
i am caught between wanting to withdraw from everything and wanting to jump in head first. the problem with both of those options is that neither is very easily achieved and i am much too lazy to work for something i dont know if i want.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 7th, 2008\|08:04 am]
I miss my doggy... but what can i do?
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(no subject)	[Dec. 23rd, 2007\|01:59 am]
i feel so amazing right now. i am really high and really content and even though ive lost my wallet somewhere and nobody here is talking to me and im tired but have no one to sleep with i feel like everything is ok. because i am on the way to learning who i am and what i want and where i am going. and that feels nice. i like liking people. i like seeing things that i love about the people in my life, letting that fill me up and then doing it again. its nice to think about how things could be, all the different paths that lead to success... to happiness and content and fulfillment. i dont have to find the one way to get to where i want to be... there are hundres, thousands! of ways for me to be happy with my life. i can search for them or stumble over them and in the end itll all be ok! i love jon for talking to me about everything. without a friend to talk to about these things i would most certainly not think as hard or as deep as i do. and without these thoughts i dont know what the reason would be for smoking, or for anything for that matter! recently ive been realizing the cause of suicide. i get this feeling in me that life is pointless and nothing will ever work out. and then i will feel completely complete later in the day, happy with everything and anyone. it feels like heaven only better. life. it feels like life. i just wish i had someone to seek me out who would be able to appreciate this amazing person i am beginning to become.
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(no subject)	[Dec. 4th, 2007\|11:23 pm]
I am so tired of everyone's bullshit, including my own. Everyone needs to chill out and be happy again. I miss not having any reason to complain and just taking things as they come. Now everyone is too busy being melodramatic and judgmental to enjoy each other's company. I want to feel carefree again. I hung out with Mike and Brett today. It was really nice. There wasn't drama or annoyances, just two of the best people I know. Life should be like that more often.
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(no subject)	[Oct. 28th, 2007\|02:16 am]
i havent written on here in a long time. and i think maybe its better that way. but right now i need someone to talk to. ariel and steph are asleep upstairs, and est says we should sleep on it. so i am, for all intensive purposes, alone. i really like him. and im sorry if jackie reads this and is upset. because i really do. and its not what he does for me or what he looks like or anything. its just... the words that come out of his mouth have so much meaning to me. even when im frustrated cus hes not answering my questions, or im being shy or upset about something. even then he can say soemthing completely random, but its random in my direction. like his random is parallel to mine, and its on the same frequency. i feel like im connected. and like i told him on the phone, its like there was this spot in me and i didnt even know it was there, but then hell say something and its like what hes saying fits perfectly into that little spot that was made for those exact words. it makes sense. it really does. i want to be level headed and logical. but i also want to seize the day and make the most of everything. i dont know which is worse, to hold back and pass up a potentially fun time in my life, or whether it would be worse to take it and regret it later. i wish i could just go for it. that that would be ok. i wish that i could have my heart not be invested in anything i do, and that i could just do things without worrying about how they will effect me in the future. i wish i didnt care as much as i do. but i do. and i like estevan... just... i dont know. i havent known him very long. i wish he would talk to me and tell me how he feels or doesnt feel. that would make things a lot easier...
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(no subject)	[Sep. 20th, 2007\|03:11 pm]
i dont know how long its been since i posted but whatever. ill post again. things are going good. jackie and i broke up (i guess thats good), i have my licensce (thats definately good) and i may be getting a job today. things are looking up and i am very happy. plus i have a social life, which also adds to things. but of course, all cannot be perfect. and i pretty much want to quit being an AVID tutor. suddenly i understand the plight of teachers. i feel so bad for them now that i see how hard it is to try to teach kids that dont want to learn a damn thing let alone shut up for a second. which leaves me in a strange place at a very inconvenient time. what do i want to do with my like if i dont want to teach little kids? im realizing that maybe im not as good with small children as i used to be, and i kind of need to know what my alternatives are if i decide not to try and learn how to work with them. because i need to start applying to colleges, and now i dont even know what i want to do with myself. this sucks. whatev. im happy. im healthy (i think) and im gonna grow up a lot this year. i cant wait to see how it all ends up.
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(no subject)	[Sep. 5th, 2007\|06:43 pm]
I am so tired. the air is all smokey outside and i just want to sleep. im not sure if i like it or not. but anyways, back to life. jackie left last wednesday, its been over a week that shes been gone. its having an odd effect on me. im not upset about it really, at least not in the way that i used to be. i cried the day before she left, and maybe even the day of (i cant remember), but i havent since. i feel free. and its nice. i have been going out a lot more since i got my licensce, which may contribute to that freedom. im hoping to get a job and do better in school. and so far things are looking up. just not for our relationship. i dont think that ive ever felt this ok with the possibility of us breaking up. i feel like im being irresponsible by holding on, because i know that it would be better for both of us if we just stopped. but what would change really? its not like i have anyone else i want to date, and shes not even here so i wont see her less. and we dont even talk that much anymore. so a part of me thinks i should just hold on and hope things will get better since i dont lose too much by staying with her. i dont know. nobody even reads this anymore so so much for getting some advice. as for good news, i love my english teacher. at first i was upset that i didnt get fredeking, but eitelgeorge is amazing! he is so different from any teacher ive ever had, and it feels great. he isnt teaching to a test or giving us pointless work, hes actually teaching us to think and analyze and see things in a new way. and that is rare in the public school system. i feel lucky to have someone like him who makes me think every day, who can point out things that i never even thought of before, who lets me realize that im not a genius. and i know that may sound weird, partly because i should know better than to think im a genius, and partly because why would i be happy that my non-geniusdum has been affirmed. its because i hate feeling like im the smartest person in my english classes, even smarter than the teacher. like i can love and respect a subject as much as i do english, and yet i cant learn a thing about it from the person who is supposed to be teaching me. i like knowing that now i have someone who can teach me all those things i was missing out on. ugh... pizzas here. maybe someone will actually read this and comment?
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(no subject)	[May. 26th, 2007\|11:22 am]
I dont write much anymore. honestly, i have no good reason. but i realized that i come on about once a week to see if anyone ELSE has written, and when they havent i get pretty sad. so maybe i should write so they dont have to be sad? i dunno. anyways, jackie comes home today for summer! im so happy. another hellish year has gone by and im glad that its coming to an end. this year was even worse than the last one, so i can only guess as to what kind of tests our relationship will have to go through next year. but when thats over we can truly be together, and thats something to look forward to. as for summer worries, i have to get a job, which is kinda stressing me out since ive applied to a ton of places and nobody has called back. i need to get one soon, since the point is to go to expo, which is in basically one month. im hoping i get a call back in the next few days so i can have at least one paycheck, if not two, by the time expo rolls around. thursday night i went to go see pirates of the carribean at midnight. first midnight showing ive ever been to, and even though i didnt much enjoy the movie, it was still fun. i used up nearly ALL of my money paying to go, but oh well. i think it was worth it. stixy was there, which made kyll a little uncomfortable because the last time we ran into her somewhere it wasnt pleasant, but whatever. she didnt have that much influence. uhmmm... school will be out in two weeks. im gonna have less to do over this summer as fas as summer assignments, but i know ill have plenty to fill my time with. im gonna have summer school at some point, which im hoping wont conflict with expo, but if it does ill have to figure out how to work around it. im hoping to work hard this summer and stop being such a wuss, cus im tired of failing so hard at being responsible. im taking steps in the right direction, which is good, but i need to keep working at it regardless. uhhh... other than that not much is happening. kyll and i havent been hanging out much, which is kind of a relief and kind of sad at the same time. i didnt want to lose him as a friend, but we rarely even talk anymore, so i dont know where we stand. hes hopefully moving out soon though, so im hoping ill get the chance to help him pack up his stuff and transport it over there. and im hoping that jackie will be ok with going as well, so that maybe she can kind of let go of everything that happened. i dunno, it still upsets me that shes upset about it, but im beginning to accept it. i know i hurt her and i do feel guilty, but i still want things to work out. anyways, i should go get ready just incase jackies parents decide to take me to go get her. i dunno when ill write again. so... hopefully when i do ill at least have a job. wish me luck?
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(no subject)	[Apr. 18th, 2007\|04:44 pm]
So, i probably havent written in here ina long time. not surprising considering ive been avoiding pretty much everything i should do. mainly homework. in light of this well known fact, i am going to fill my homework-avoiding time with livejournal. yay! go me! this is actually slightly productive, one step up from sitting around trying not to fall asleep but not doing anything better than going to bed. i am driving now. even though i thought i never would, i am. and i actually like it. last weekend i went to oregon with family and got a car from my aunt that she doesnt drive. i now have a '96 Saturn SL2. oooh... aaah... but really, i do like it. i named it charlie and my mom is being all anal about cleaning it and buying accesories for it and she is very good at telling me what to do and then yelling at me when i dont do it right. oh well... i guess that thats what moms do. kyll and i didnt hang out for a while. i was busy, he was busy, and all in all we just didnt make the time. im not sure if thats good or bad, because things are in the same exact confusing place that they were in before we took our little unintended break. he still likes me, i still dont know what to do, and jackie is still trying to be accepting. and none of those things are helping me be a decisive, respectful, fair and compassionate human being. i am just as emotionally impulsive, relationshiply manipulative, personality confused as i was to begin with. and although i would like to believe that i have learned a lot and grown as a person from this whole thing, it obviously isnt enough to make me get real about what i should and shouldnt do. instead i want to take the opportunities presented to me and worry about the consequences later... which isnt the best decision. you see, i really do love jackie. she makes me feel like no one else does, and i dont want to lose that. i want to support her in her schooling, cheer her on and be there for her when she needs me. but its easier said than done. ive become an expert of covering up and improvising since we got together. i dont even know how i feel about anything anymore, because ive spent so much time trying to make sense of what i feel and not just saying it and disregarding what effect it will have. ive been dressing up everything so that it sounds nice, when it would be better to just be a little bit harsh and say what i mean. because i have dug myself a hole, one that i dont even know the limits of yet. i have managed to unintentionally lie, cheat, and manipulate my way into this position, and i didnt ever even want it. all i wanted was for my baby to come home, for school to stop sucking so much, for me to accomplish things without killing myself, and to be able to get enough sleep every night. apparently im not capable of getting that, because i have a knack for messing things up, and this is no exception. instead of feeling content i feel very ill at ease, but in a distant way where i can easily ignore it and pretend that everything is ok, which i suppose is the dangerous part. im tired of breaking hearts, breaking my own heart, wanting and planning for things that there is no guarentee will come to pass. i set myself up for failure and then i am shocked and upset when i dont succeed. today in psychology class my teacher was talking about how it is normal to learn to like someone more as you get to know them. it was like a light bulb went on, and i realized whats wrong with almost everything in my life. i go into things overly passionate, i think that this person, this place, this book, this movie, whatever, is perfect and exciting and i will leave feeling enlightened. wrong. instead as time goes on i see how much these things dont match up with my expectations. they arent poetic enough, they complain too much, they dont like the same books as me or they like a song i dont. its not that anything is wrong with my friends, its only that everything isnt right. and in comparison to what i thought, i suddenly feel betrayed and confused and like i have been cheated. when really it isnt their fault. i entered my relationship with jackie in complete awe. she swept me off my feet and out of a depression i didnt even want to get out of because i didnt see an end to it. i fell so hard and so fast for her that my entire summer consisted of her. i can barely remember anything from that summer that isnt tied to her. and then we got together, and things just went downhill. i realized that she is a gamer... and that im not, that she doesnt have deep conversations all the time, that she watches different movies, listens to different songs, and reads different books than me. i realized that, in short, she wasnt who i made her out to be, and so every little difference annoyed me to no end. because i felt like she had changed or like i had entered expecting one thing only to realize i had been lied to. she didnt lie to me. i just need to learn to accept the people i choose to surround myself with. im the one who lies, im the one who wants to somehow manipulate people back into who i thought they were, and i dont even do it intentionally. i will cry, laugh, sit quietly or talk at the right times to get what i want. and i know that i can get away with it. i know what to do to get a temporary effect, and thats the problem. its temporary. so our relationship is so stop-go-stop-go that we arent getting anywhere. and its frustrating. i just want to feel like i have a normal relationship again. i want to love her despite her faults, accept her despite our differences, and be patient because i know that i want the end result. as for kyll... well... i dont know what to do. my feelings for jackie run so deep, and it really was wrong for me to tell him i wouldnt get back together with her. i love so many things about him, his personality, his sense of humor, just... everything i want in a friend. but its probably best that i just want that in a friend, not in a partner, because i love hanging out with kyll and randomly adventuring. i dont want to ruin that by giving him hope that we may end up together. i should have known that i was just taking advantage of my situation to begin with. i should have been more cautious. i still should be. i know what i should do, but i dont know how to get myself to do it. i want to be a better girlfriend, friend, whatever. but... its really hard. i wish i could say that im going to really try, but i, like most people i know, am extremely lazy and i procrastinate like crazy. i will put it off, make excuses, and pretend it away until my life is ruined. i am working at it though. i am trying really hard to follow what i have decided, to be faithful to jackie and retain a friendship-only relationship with kyll. i feel so guilty for hurting everyone as i have, but its in the past and all i can do now is apologize. i think ill go to bed, because im tired and i dont know what to say. other than: happy anniversary baby. the big... 2-0? 20... yea... anyways, i hope that everyone is having a great afternoon on this fine anniversaryish day (even though nobody reads this). and jackie, i hope i will see you for our 21 month, getting you for ross and jay's wedding! byee!
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(no subject)	[Mar. 27th, 2007\|11:39 pm]
...i miss being blinded by love...
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(no subject)	[Mar. 18th, 2007\|10:33 pm]
Today would be jackie and is 19 month anniversary. things have gotten so crazy over the past few weeks. i dont even know where i stand anymore or how to act. i wish things made more sense but they dont. ive been going out pretty much every night, avoiding all responsibilities and alltogether trying to ignore the fact that my life is, in a way, falling apart. i know that i brought this upon myself, and that i needed it. it wasnt fair what i was going through, but that doesnt change the fact that i am completely lost without jackie... i want so badly for everything to work out, but its not looking like there is going to be any kind of resolution soon. i dont want to become accustomed to not being with her, but i dont want to go back to where i was either. part of me wants to move on, and part of me wants to work things out and go back. i dont know whats better. i know i love jackie, no matter where i am or who im with, that doesnt change. but it hurts so bad being with her. its not innocent or fun or happy anymore. it has the added pain of real life, of only seeing her every few months, of not being able to be held by her or even talk to her when i want to all the time. and these days i am in desperate need of those things. i am making so many changes in my life, and its kind of a relief. it is nice to have a new phone and be choosing new classes, to do new things with new people and let myself experiment a little. it wasnt good for me to be stuck in one lifestyle. i got much too used to it, and now that its changing i feel foundationless. in short, i would like to build a better life for myself. i would love for it to be with jackie, but if not then so be it. i dont want to sacrifice myself anymore for someone who isnt willing to do the same for me. i am determined to be treated right and feel appreciated. i just wish that jackie could be the one to give me that...
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Stars	[Mar. 17th, 2007\|12:45 am]
I never realized how much i love the night sky until tonight. Kyll and i drove out to twain hearte and stopped to look at the massive expanse of the sky, holding much more than i could have ever imagined from my view in flourescently lighted modesto. Out there i could really feel how much there is out there, and it took my breath away. The smell of the mountains was beautiful. It made me feel alive and well, like maybe everyone in the world isnt self centered and judgemental. Like maybe it is possible to live a good life and not devote your entire life to work or bills. Maybe i can find peace within myself withouth seeing a psychiatrist or meditating. And maybe it is already there... somewhere. Back home, it feels like we never even went, because things here are exactly how i left them. The dishes still need to be done, im still caught between relationships, and i still cant hear a single living thing save for humans. I miss the sound of the crickets and frogs, the crunch of gravel under my feet and looking up at the sky framed by pine trees reaching hopefully upward. I miss feeling free and hopeful. I hate this stupid in between city. I hate that its big enough to blot out the beauty of nature, and yet it is too small to get me caught up in its excitement. It simply takes up space and wastes my time. I wish i could get out more often. Instead i am stuck here, knowing that this weekend i will have math homework and that my birthday wont be very exciting. Speaking of my birthday, i dont know what i want. Because these days i dont have many posessions that i desire. I want peace, and i want acceptance. I want to feel safe and wanted and comfortable. I want to feel like myself again. Recently i have been so confused, about everything, and i still dont know which way to turn. Maybe thats why i liked being out in the middle of nowhere, everything was clearer, and there wasnt a million things being thrown at me at once. So for my birthday i am really at a loss, because nobody can buy you emotional security, nobody can present you with personal awareness, and happiness doesnt fit in a festive bag. I guess i will be stuck asking for money... because aside from that there isnt much i am interested in receiving. I dont know what i want to do with myself anymore. I am caught between so many things and i want to just... go away from it all and let it figure itself out. But i think we all know that thats not always an option. Especially when there are other people involved... I am so tired. I havent been to bed before midnight all week, and now all i want to do is curl up and sleep. I miss jackie so much. Even though im trying to move on, she is still too important to me to forget. I miss her touch and sleeping beside her, i miss how she twitches when she is falling asleep, and taking care of her when she doesnt feel well. I hate that she is so far away and that i wont be seeing her anytime in the near future. I hate that im having to choose. And i hate that neither choice is really the right one... I want a blank slate so badly. I want to clean everything off and start fresh, make a new name for myself and rethink everything before i decide what to do. Because i am completely lost right now, and i dont have any foundation to count on for support in this time of need. I am really just taking things as they come, because like when i drove, i have no idea what i am doing and often times i dont even know where i am... let alone how to react to the oncoming traffic. I just... want to know who i am and what the hell i am doing.
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(no subject)	[Feb. 25th, 2007\|01:50 pm]
sigh i just read some of daniel's lj and im feeling kind of sad and thankful and nostalgic all at once. i just realized how good of a friend he is, and i dont know how that makes me feel. i didnt realize how much my relationship with jackie effects people. i didnt even think of how it would make him feel to see me and jackie together at the lake or at our makeshift formal. so hearing that it hurt him really caught me off guard. i was so caught up in my own wants and desires that it didnt occur to me that i wasnt being considerate of those around me who werent as fortunate to have the one they love with them. recently daniel and i havent been talking as much as we used to. i kind of wish we did because he really is a good friend. hes stuck with me through a lot of stuff and ive learned a lot from talking to him and spending time with him. some of the best conversations ive ever had with anyone were when he and i were just... walking around. i should thank him more often. i mean, yea, sometimes i get fed up with some of the things he does and i feel like i just need a break, and i know its not fair, but thats how the stanions are. they are a very loud, braggy family. and i love that about him at times, but then sometimes i just want my peace and quiet. and in the presence of other people, daniel isnt prone to peace or quiet. but when i can get him alone, god is he an amazing friend. he has a lot of strength in him, and i dont understand why he doesnt realize that and show it when hes in social situations. because its like he believes that he isnt worthy or something, but he really is. if he would just show an ounce of what he shows to me to the rest of the world i know that they would appreciate him more. i just hate seeing him cover that up with jokes and stories. because he is so much more than that. so i think i will write him a letter of appreciation, because i dont know if he can get on the computer and if he will even get on livejournal and see this. i just want him to know that without him i wouldnt be anything close to what i am now, and that i owe a lot of my self knowledge and life conclusions to him...
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(no subject)	[Feb. 22nd, 2007\|05:20 pm]
So today i went out with my friends and it almost felt like old times, when we would all lay in eachothers laps, legs entwined and absolutely nothing to do. i got up this morning feeling tired, took a shower and got dressed, got to school early and felt more or less happy all day. i pulled up my grade in math to a c, which made me very happy since i was struggling so much. i hope that i can pull it up more by the end of the year... after school we went to lunch, seven of us all sitting around the table, talking over eachother, laughing and alltogether having a good time. it felt really nice.then we walked to ariels house, which was fun. i havent walked over there in what seems like forever. it felt like last year when we would walk to daniels house and just... mess around all afternoon, completely ignoring homework and the world outside. while we were there it started to rain and then to hail, and i went outside and watched the rain fall, and i remembered running through the rain with juli, feeling infinite and like i was truly young and carefree. i longed to go back inside and put on robes wearing only my underwear underneath, and spread my work out all over the stanions hardwood floor, reading absurd poems and feeling warm inside. instead i went inside to hang out with what is left of my friends. ariel's house made me feel happy, almost relaxed. laying on her bed, playing with her cat, sitting on her couch and listening to her music i lost myself in the illusion that maybe i wasnt struggling to pass math, and maybe im not always tired and maybe i dont feel like im undesirable and stressed out and no fun. i felt honored to be in the presence of such good people. even if at times i did feel on the outskirts or like i didnt belong, overall i felt really... i dont know, accepted? i havent felt that ina while, because i spend the majority of my time doing homework or trying to figure out what i want from my life, which seems to be a futile attempt at happiness. im tired of spending so much time feeling like im missing out on the life of a teenager, tired of feeling like everyone i held dear is off doing all of these typical high school things while i sit at home trying to will myself to get my work done instead of sitting back and enjoying life. im tired of feeling stressed about college and getting a job and where i want to live. i would rather just take each day as it comes, and im trying to find a balance between last year and this year, between complete slacking off and seeing my grades suffer for it, and working my ass off only to feel that i still dont meet everyones standards. i want to feel that i have people there to talk to and to catch me when i fuck up. instead i have a girl who is six hours away and no one to truly rely on in sight. i have no one to turn to really, and i find myself crying in the middle of the night holding the phone and feeling completely trapped because i have no one to call. i hate feeling like i have lost everything i loved so much in my life. i dont write or draw, and i rarely have the time to read. i dont spend hours talking to my friends, i dont wander aimlessly or take walks at night or strip so i can wear daniels huge shirts and get in his spa. i feel like all that is so long ago when it was only last year, but i miss it more than i can describe. i miss feeling like im on the verge of something out of my control, i miss running in the streets and laying in the grass and feeling my heart swell with the sheer volume of love contained there for the people around me. i am coming to hate my life and i dont know what to do. i dont want to feel like i have no one there for me, but i dont feel that i have the appeal that i once did. i feel so boring and responsible. i love jackie, but i hate craving her presence and knowing that i will be lucky if i get to see her once every few months. i miss having someone look at me lovingly, feeling like someone finds me attractive and like i take priority over everyone else in the room, even if only for that one person. i want to feel loved, but what can i do? she is the one i want, but she is too far away for me to be with her, and i cant ask her to come back. so im stuck feeling alone and unworthy, working my ass off for soemthing i dont want and being untimately dissatisfied with my life. i guess im kind of in a lose lose situation. i can either leave her and have my freedom, or stay with her and feel abandoned. either way i love her and i dont want to be away from her. i dont know what to do...
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(no subject)	[Jan. 21st, 2007\|10:01 am]
I DROVE FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT! how cool am i?
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(no subject)

[Dec. 17th, 2006|12:11 pm]

[

Current Mood

cold

]

i feel so amazing. i actually slept in this morning, got up and decided that i want to rearrange my entire room once i finish my english project, and then got a message from kyll telling me that he was up until 5:10 in the morning reading TPOBAW. im so happy! ive never had anyone love it that much other than me... i feel infinite.

last night he came to get me around 9 and we went to ryans to get his stuff. that was fun by itself. but after that we came back and got change so we could get french fries and drive to ceres. it was great. we drove around and looked at christmas lights, and talked about being afraid and going insane and when we were little. it was so great. i love spending time with him.

i came home to find out that jackie and hung had finally had a serious conversation, which is good, but i was really jealous too. i want her to tell me things like that, you know? i dont know... it just hurt a little. but whatever, its no big deal.

i dont know... basically i just want to finish my homework so i can go on to having a "follow my heart"ish day... i cant wait to clean up my room and move all my furniture around and go to bed tonight feeling fresh...

i guess it doesnt really matter if i end up just doing homework all day and all my furniture stays exactly where it is, along with all the trash and random crap in there too... its the thought that counts...

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stars	[Dec. 11th, 2006\|10:49 pm]
so ive been spending the last 3 nights with kyll... which is amazing. saturday we went to the ill list, this invitation only poetry slam, and had such a great time just getting there. id never hung out with him before outside of school, but it felt so natural. and then we had to jump over puddles and meneuver our way downtown to get there late and barely get in... because it was sold out and we just waited until they sold us a ticket. then he lost his wallet after we left and we had to do it all over again. we got curly fries at jack in the box and parked in the beyer parking lot to eat them and listen to alanis morrisette... then sunday we decided to "study" after he got off of work. we went to the queen bean with our textbooks and honestly tried to work, but we got distracted by politics and life, and i felt really alive for once. i was with someone who i could speak my mind to and who would speak their mind back and it was so relieveing and eye opening and wonderful. i didnt even care that we were off topic because i got to connect with someone and it felt so good. then we decided that we were tired of freezing and decided to drive around and listen to the CDs i made. we got lost and adventured and i laughed honestly and smiled happily and felt content. i talked to him about him and his ex and me and jackie, and felt truly at ease... like it was exactly what i needed. and maybe it was. i dont know... but i had a great time. so tonight he came and got me and we bought lunchables and soda and went and parked outside of enox and ate them. i freaked out when we saw a patty wagon and ran back to the car, afraid we would get in trouble. we talked and sang and he talked to this girl jenny and i just... soaked everything up. and then this guy in a truck parked next to us and sat there for forever and then got out and walked around all menacingly so we left only to go to the beyer parking lot. we talked and sang more and tried to look at the stars. so i got out and layed down in the middle of the teacher parking lot, on my back in the cold, trying to see the night sky through the dozens of lights around me. and he watched me from the car and i sang no doubt when i knew the words, and then he came and joined me and we looked at the world upside down and it felt so good to have everything be sky and then have the world be this tiny thing hanging on for dear life. it felt good to know that all of my problems and regrets and worries are on this tiny rock amidst all these other tiny rocks in this massive... thing. and none of it really has to matter unless i want it to matter... and thats all there is to it. and id like to believe that that is true, but i think we all know that i dont work like that. i told him that i dont want to believe in love anymore... it just hurts. im tired of wanting something and then not getting it, and loving someone i can rarely be with, and having all this passion in me and no time or energy to show it. if im going to love i want it to be pure and untampered with. and i cant have that. i hate loving because i cant do it fully and let it soak into me. i hate that i cant have that. and i dont want to lie to myself and pretend that its love if its not hte love i want it to be. i dont know what my point it... i just want to find a way to make that feeling i have with him last. because its the best one ive felt in a long time. im afraid that like jackie, he will grow up and ill be left simply remembering these days when we could have random adventures. i dont want that. i just feel bitter and alone and i dont know what to do about it. so im going to go wait for one or both of them to get home so i can stop feeling like im in between and just get on to whatever im going to feel next...
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stupid teenage angst...

[Nov. 29th, 2006|09:50 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	discontent	]
[	Current Music	\|	that Furgie Furg song or whatever (sister is playing it)	]

Im so happy, i dont have any homework that i really need to do tonight, and i didnt last night either. despite my excitement at my lack of obligations, im still feeling pretty shitty. i slept for 10 hours last night and still got up this morning feeling exhausted. ive had the beginnings of a migrane all day and im hoping that thats all it amounts to. i have an F in biology which will be easily fixed with one quiz make-up since there are only 4 grades in the gradebook, but in psychology i have a C, which sucks, because i love psych. its because i completely forgot about a huge project we had. i feel like such an idiot. its nobodys fault but my own, and yet i still try and reason my way out of being guilty, which just makes me feel even worse. i want to work harder and do better, but i feel so unmotivated and overwhelmed. i wrote tim a letter today in which i told him that maybe i do need to go back to counseling or therapy or whatever you want to call it, because i want to get back into the swing of my life. im tired of always being... well... tired, and feeling like no matter how much i want to do something i cant bring myself to actually get to doing it. ill sit there and think about how much i want to finish all my homework so i can go to bed, so i go and get my textbooks and get all ready, but then once theyre sitting there in front of me its like i physically cant think straight, i cant focus or i cant absorb the information or i cant stay awake enough to do either of those or both. i hate it. because i have the desire, its just that i cant get my body to do what i want it to do. and if there were something i could do to fix that i would be so happy, because i know that im better than this.

which leads me to my second problem: work. i like working. it gets me money which makes me feel a lot more at ease, it gives me experience which i hope will help me later in life, it gives me a place for social interactions other than school which makes me feel braver and more well adjusted than i would just coming home and doing homework. yea, it has its drawbacks, it takes away from my work time, it tires me out and it has its own set of stresses that come with it, but overall i think its really good for me. i feel guilty working though, especially the way i am now. i dont really have set times for getting there and for leaving, so a lot of nights my parents have to sit and wait for me because i dont drive yet. and i wish i could tell them right when to get there so they dont have to wait, but i dont always know when im going to get off so how can i tell them when to be there? i cant. and they dont seem to get that, or maybe they do and they just dont want to let me know. i know that they have a right to be upset, i would too if i had to wait for 2 hours to pick up my driving age daughter from work at 7 at night. but i feel like theyre not really being as supportive of me as they should be. its stressful working for the first time, and i want them to be proud of me and make me feel like what im doing is important. but instead they get upset at me for things i cant control, like the hours i work. and then my mom makes all these remarks about how much money i have when she has none, which isnt my fault either. im happy that i have money, and i dont try and shove it in their faces. i understand that right now my parents are in kind of a tough place, so ive been buying groceries and offering to pay for other things if they need it. and i know that they appreciate it even if they dont tell me thank you as much as they should, or let me know that im even helping them out. but its not fair that my mom is making me feel guilty for having money. im not working to make her look bad, and im not offering to pay because i want them to know that i have free money. they know that i dont need everything i make, and that a lot of it i can give away and not have to worry, and i tell them that so they dont get upset when i buy stuff that our family needs. i want them to know that although it is technically my money, i would rather spend it on them and help them out than just hoarde it in the bank, because yea, it would be great to save up all my money and move in with jackie with this massive bank account for my age, but how realistic is that? im going to see things i want to buy, and im going to have every right to buy them, so im damn well going to. i dont want to spend ALL of my money on frivilous things, and i dont think i have. i mean, yea, i do spend a lot of it on things i dont need, but im 16 and its my first job. i dont have bills or rent or anything to pay for, and i feel bad about that because jackie does and my parents do and im the one with the money. and i would completely help them out if they would let me. if jackie payed all of her own rent and she came to me and said that she could only come up with some of it every month, and she needs me to help her out and give her $200 or something, i would be so happy to help out. i would love to know that i was helping her succeed in something she finds important, but nobody is asking me to do that, so i have all this money just sitting there. i know i SHOULD be saving it, but i know that i am really impulsive, and i want to spend it, especially on jackie.

i dont know, im just feeling like a lot is being asked of me and im not really getting anything in return. i got back my SAT scores, and i got a 1930 out of 2400, which is pretty good. but then i come to find out that if im going to a JC or community college, my SAT scores dont count for jack shit, which makes me feel like such a loser, not only because i wasted my time, but also because i have this potential and im only going to be supported for the first two years in going to a school that wont even really recognize that. i wish my parents would pay for me to go to a UC, and i know i could pay for it myself, but i want to help put jackie through school too, and i cant pay for both of us. and if im being handed enough money go to a JC then i might as well just settle for that. i want a break from all this crap. i want to not have to worry about college, or work or how im going to pass that test on friday. im so tired of school and expectations and having to worry about what i want to do with my life. im tired of wanting jackie to be there for me only for her to go out every night, and im tired of pushing her to do better and her just getting fed up with it instead of pushing herself as well. im tired of missing her and having no one here to talk to or hang out with or even see on a regular basis. im tired of wasting my time in high school and never feeling satisfied and knowing that a lot of things in my life wont satisfy me in the long run. im hating my life right now, in short, but theres nothing i can do about it. because its not like im upset about any particular things, its just the whole concept of existence in general. i dont want to work away my "prime" years doing something i might not really enjoy, i dont want to look back on my life and wonder what the hell happened. i wish i could be as free and creative and open minded as i want to be, but its so fucking unrealistic. it wont happen, and i know that, and i hate it. i want it to, but it cant.

stupid teenage angst...

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I'm tired of getting my heart broken	[Nov. 26th, 2006\|09:08 pm]
ugh. so heres a ranty update on my life. jackie is going out tonight, and im happy that she has a social life, but she has this tendency to just kind of ditch me with very little warning or consideration. i tend to stay home when i know shes home because even if we talk during our free time its rarely enough. so i try to sacrifice anything and everything i can to have time to talk to her, whereas if she is given the opportunity she goes out and doesnt come back until late at night, leaving me feeling quite abandoned and unloved. it doesnt help that i barely talked to her last night, and i havent had much time to talk to her today either. she worked from 12-3, got home before 4, just to go out again at like, 7... i hate it... i want her to put me first but she just wont do it. she wont come home to be near me, she wont stay at her apartment to talk to me, she wont write me long letters or send me pictures or suprise me. i dont feel special. i dont feel like its ok that shes gone. i dont feel well adjusted or alright or able to cope with this kind of distance. i want so badly for her to really show me that she cares like she does when shes here. because when shes gone she CANT hold me, and i know that, so i try to find other ways of feeling close to her. but it doesnt work. and im tired of trying to fucking hard and getting very little in return. i want to call her up and tell her how pissed i am and how hurt i am and how i dont want to feel like this right now after what i went through saying goodbye to her yesterday. but how can i ruin her night out like that? how can i be that selfish? i dont know what im supposed to do. if i dont say something then its my fault, but if i do say something then i feel guilty. i hope that she reads this and understands what im saying. or maybe i will just call her and tell her how i feel for once. i dont know... i dont want to come across as selfish, but i feel that im entitled to it at least a little... i love her more than ive ever loved anyone... but that doesnt mean that she doesnt break my heart on a regular basis. i hate that it has to be like this, but its not my decision. i know that a lot of our current problems are just due to the distance, so i want to hold on until we can live together, but how much of yourself is it ok to give up in hopes of having a life that might not even be everything you want? i dont know. i want her to make me happy. that would be the best thing that could ever happen. i want her to see what i want and give it to me without me having to ask or feel guilty for once. i know that it probably wont happen, but it would be so amazing if it did. i guess im just hanging a lot on the hope that some day she will do that for me, but until then ill just take each day as it comes and hope that everything will work out.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 26th, 2006\|06:26 am]
so ive been up since around 12:30 talking to kyll. i feel so content. jackie left last night and cried so hard i felt like i was going to throw up. plus i had killer cramps, so i went to bed for a few hours to sleep it off. not i feel refreshed after talking to kyll, thats not to say that i dont still feel raw inside from jackie leaving. to be honest, i really wish that she would stay home. i wish that she would come back and say, honey, i want to be with you, and you arent making me do this and i dont feel pressured, i just want to be with you. i wish that she would have chosen a school closer by so that she could get home with in an hour or two, so i could see her every weekend or so. i wish that she could want it as much as i do, but i know she doesnt. tomorrow i will be up by this time, probably in the shower, and dreading going back to school. i hate it. i hate how much of my time is wasted. i felt SO peaceful and in love and content being with jackie. even when i was in pain or i felt sick or tired or annoyed, i still felt so engulfed by my love for her that i couldnt help but let it go prematurely. i dont want to go back to my "day to day" life, where im stressed out about homework and tests and im constantly exhausted because im always working. i dont want to go back to wanting to just stop existing because i dont have the energy to want to die. dying seems like it would take too much effort. these past few days are leaving me feeling so incredibly bittersweet. i am so happy that i got to have them and enjoy them, but i dont want them to be over. i want to believe that jackie will call me and ask me what i want to do today, where i want to go, be late to come get me and then have us go out looking for her nunchuck wii controller. i want to argue about how much money i should spend or cuddle on my bed. i want to present myself to her, completely vulnerable, and cry my eyes out like i have never done with anyone else. i want to feel protected and free to do whatever it is that i want to do. i am so lucky to have her in my life. these past few days have really showed me that. after all of the questioning of my desire to continue in this relationship, after all of my demanding and disappointment and frustration, i still feel completely in love. seeing her made me feel more alive than i have felt in weeks. and i know that i will go back to school and feel just as lacklustre as ever. i will want to sleep constantly and just end up sleeping less. and really... all i want right now... is to snuggle up with her and not have to get up until the next year and a half is over...
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my re-establishment entry

[Nov. 19th, 2006|08:48 pm]

[

Current Mood

drained

]

So here i am again, writing on livejournal. it seems like its been an eternity. anyone who reads this probably already knows whats been going on in my life, and if anyone reads this that i DONT know... then... i dont know what to say.

well... my computer died last year and i didnt get it fixed for a really long time. it sucked, but now i have my dads old computer so im back to doing pretty much everything in front of a screen, save for going to the bathroom and sleeping.

i got my first job in october. go me i guess. i work at a vet, which is pretty cool cus im not just doing food service or something. im learning about how to set up IVs and draw blood and wrestle huge dogs into kennels. im even getting kinda buff from picking up so much stuff. the people are nice, but its still stressful having another 4-5 hours of my day taken up when i can barely keep up with school when its my only priority.

jackie comes home on wednesday, im so excited. weve been having a really difficult time. i guess that after youve been together for a while the "honeymoon" perion wears off and youre forced to face your relationship with the ugly tinges of reality. oh well, its out of my hands and i should let myself get too dissapointed with the natural cycle of things. i still love her and thats all that matter. who care if we argue every other day as long as we end up together and are content from time to time.

im getting my hair cut on saturday. im excited to see how it turns out because... well... i dont know... im not a big hair styly person. but i really like spending money on jackie so i guess im going to spend $200 on hair.

ok, now i just feel superficial. time to move onto something deeper. uhmmm... well... i guess im at that point in my life where im realizing that i dont have much childhood left. its bittersweet knowing that in less than two years i will be living away from home, paying my own bills and driving myself to school. im not sure whether im looking forward to it or not. i mean, ill be glad to have more freedom, but living at home has its benefits too. i hate that im already feeling the ache of a lost childhood when im still very much a kid. i mean, i dont drive, i dont REALLY work, im still in high school, how am i an adult at all? i guess im mature and that i think about stuff, but i dont know, i shouldnt have to feel this emotional about losing something i havent lost as of yet. ive always kind of been ahead of myself with the whole growing up thing. ill probably be feeling bittersweet about getting ready to die when im 25... so i dont think that this will be the last time i write something like this.

i feel very overwhelmed right now. i have a lot being expected of me and i have very little willpower to carry it all through. i still have a ton of calculus homework that i would prefer to just forget about. but for some reason i feel compelled to do well in that class so after im done with this i will probably drink some more bawls and go ask my dad for help because i cant seem to function without someone else there to tell me what to do every half a second.

so i guess thats all i have to say for now. i guess it wasnt too deep or thought provoking, but give me some credit... most of my brain cells are in shock from all of the homework. ill be going now... so i can maybe pretend to be some sort of a good student. so until next time...

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(no subject)	[Jan. 21st, 2006\|12:01 pm]
i know i never write here, but im running out of things to do. ive been crying on and off since jackie dropped me off at home last night around 6:45. i feel so drained. I slept for something like 13 hours last night because i was so sad. i couldnt bear being awake only to cry more. i really hate this. but whatever, i knew it was coming. this isnt the first time ive had to say goodbye to her, and it wont be the last. it still hurts though. i cant wait to see her again, to hold her. i feel so empty without her with me. i dont know what else to say. im so full of emotion that i cant put it into words. i really do wish i could just stay asleep, but i woke up and now i dont think ill be able to go back for a while. i want to lose myself in something, anything, but i cant seem to do it. this really is a painful situation that cant be helped. i cant wait for these next 2 and a half years to be over so i can be with her. i know when i look back on them they will seem short, but at the moment they seem to stretch out forever. today stretches out forever. i want it to be over...
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(no subject)	[Nov. 6th, 2005\|11:30 am]
wow... i havent been on here in forever. stuff has changed. it makes me sad... that ive been away for so long that the website has morphed without my knowing it. it reminds me of when i used to write on black.com and then one day it was just... gone. that was one of the most hearbreaking things ever. but anyways... about my life: ive been so busy recently. what with my massive amounts of homework and clubs and going out almost every day with julianna and kevin... im beat. i dont get a full nights sleep unless its the weekend, and even then im lucky if i can get a mere 8 hours in. im going to europe this summer. so theres a lot of planning for that. and i have to save up $500, which really isnt a lot of money, but i dont have a job so it means that i wont be buying much this year. thats ok though... europe is worth it. i want to see the world. plus i have more fun with my friends when i dont have to pay for anything. the random adventures are always the best. jackie will be home in 18 days. i cant wait to see her. its getting cold here and as a result im getting lonely. well really im getting lonely cus i havent seen her in a long time, but the cold doesnt make it any better. ive been flopping around these past 2 days. well... 1 and a half. yesterday i got up and ate tootsie rolls for breakfast and watched anime in my room. it was nice. at 4 i had to go to a meeting for the trip to europe, and then i came home and watched a little bit of the joy luck club and knitted. knitting makes my hands twitch, and it makes it kind of hard to write and hold things, but thats ok. soon ill have a sweater that might look like crap, but at least i can say i made it myself. thats always good. to be perfectly honest im only writing because i went and read dor's lj, and i realized i hadnt written in a while. i really dont know what to say. so much has been happening, but its all kind of become this large mass of adventures and excitement, i cant seperate it enough to explain it. plus my arms hurt from typing, cus i havent written anything this long in a while, and im tired, need a shower, and have homework to do. so i guess ill go now... i love you all and hope everything is going well
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(no subject)	[Aug. 8th, 2005\|09:32 pm]
welcome back, to a new installment of Crazy Thoughts Cassie Thinks. CTCT... kinda catchy, huh? yea, well, you keep thinking that... i miss jackie. thats pretty much all i have to write. i miss her and i would greatly appreciate the opportunity to spend some alone time with her right now. so, naturally, i cant. i have horrible luck sometimes. but then again sometimes i have better luck than i dreamed i could have. i just dont like being alone. she should be here
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noooo sleep = weird thoughts!

[Aug. 6th, 2005|04:24 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	exhausted	]
[	Current Music	\|	the sound of my brains squishing together	]

i have something to say... again. but i dont really know what it is. i havent slept in 30 hours... maybe more. im tired, frustrated, worried and hopeful. im a mix of all these emotions that dont go together, and somehow i havent exploded yet. i want everyone to get together and sit in front of me so i can tell them what im thinking, babble on about the inner workings of my mind that have become more clear to me as the hours pass.

last night i think i realized something. at some point during the course of that 24 hour block i got this sense of endless possibility, of contentness and fascination and pureness that i havent felt so strongly in a long time. its like when youve had a good day and you come home and you sit down and know your happy. you can just feel it in all the right ways, you feel just the right amount of tired, and somewhere within you your storing it all up. its like it all burst through.

i never expected a night of D&D to turn into me finding out more about myself. it was like the caffeine opened my eyes a little more, and at this point im just letting the thoughts fall out of my head without the whole process of thinking them through. they just fall right out and stay there. i dont know how to explain it, or why it fascinates me so, but its like this goal of mine to put myself into words that correctly describe me. i havent done it yet, but maybe this huge lack of sleep can give me the opportunity to let go of my normal sense of reality and reason, and instead just say what i mean to say.

basically im tired of being hte one who has to be whatever everyone needs. when someone needs to talk, i listen, when they need to listen, i talk, when they need someplace to stay i offer them a room, when theyre lonely i tell them what they need to hear to feel loved, when they are worried i try to find words of comfot. basically jackie is leaving in a week. i dont know what the fuck to do with myself. i dont know how to handle this. i dont even know where to begin. its like this huge dillema just fell out of the sky, and i cant even see around it. i dont know how im supposed to say goodbye or wish her luck or give her advice. im horribly inexperienced in all areas.

i just dont know what to do with anything. i want to tell everyone its going to be alright, when i can barely even see past tomorrow without panicking. im this big pile of overwhelming emotion that has nowhere to go, and its just sitting here. i feel like such a waste of time and energy for even myself, its too much work keeping up this stable set of emotions that cooincide with my current situation. but if i stopped trying id become a babbling mess, and then people would get worried.

"the souveneirs of our past were never enough, and as i watch you go they crumble, singing of the things they will never become. you are the one i spent my life looking for, not you but who you are. i tried to tell you this, i saw it in your eyes, but when you heard it you couldnt bear to think that i was the one you knew from then. i can call you whatever i want and you will never answer. dont forget me. " -just a clip of my random half asleep thoughts. i like it... so shut up...

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chewing gum and thinking about life

[Aug. 4th, 2005|01:21 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	indescribable	]
[	Current Music	\|	too many things to put here	]

yea, so i havent been updating much. but ive been busy busy busy. between cousins and cleaning and traveling to and from my grandmothers house, i havent had much time to update this thing, or even think about updating it. life has been hectic, and this time of calm is most likely going to be short lived. soon my mom will come home and my cousins will probably come with her, or we will go to them. four bouys, two girls, three adults. age range: 9 to 50 or 60 something (i dont know my grammas age). there is always something happening, whether it be something i want to involve myself in or not isnt the point, the point is life is fast and fun and interesting. i almost cried when i had to come home, back to a life of waiting for an opportunity to go adventure, of planning out my day and making phone calls to get out of the house. with four boys i just have to sit still for a second and some new adventure will come to me. i miss it.

but now im home, after leaving at 8:20 last night to arrive home at around 1. the house is too quiet and im thinking too much. driving home in the dark, not knowing what to do with your alone time, listening to songs that mean too much to you and thinking about how your between lives is kind of depressing. i wasnt with my cousins, running and laughing and argueing. and i wasnt at home, worrying about school and the drama that comes with high school friends. i was on the freeway, in an ocean of black watching the lights pass me by. i didnt know if i wanted to go home or not. at home there wouldnt be the fast paced life of being with family, but in the valley there wasnt the comfort of friends.

when i heard i was going to see my cousins again after 7 years i was nervous and excited and scared. i didnt know what to expect. i didnt know what i would say. i never thought id become this attatched to them, feel this strongly about them. but i do, and its something i havent felt in a long time. i dont usually have this sense of family, of caring and concern. i feel at home with them, and i dont know what to do with that feeling. its something thats alien to me. im used to only feeling at home with my parents and sister. im finally getting a taste of that feeling of security that people say they feel when they are with family.

i dont want school to start in a month. i dont want to go back to living a life where everything is the same and everyone is overly dramatic, where nobody thinks for themselves and you have to work for everything. im tired of feeling like i have to go out of my way to be happy. all i want is to be able to relax and just be. but everyone wants me to be doing something different, and so i have to ignore what it is i want to be doing, and instead try to make them happy.

im 15. i cant drive, i cant vote, i cant drink. im living with my parents, im in high school, and i dont have a job. but i know thats all going to change before i know what to do with myself. already im looking for jobs, preparing to pay car insurence, looking at colleges. i feel like im being rushed to grow up. im expected to do all these things and all i want to do is have a good time and not have to worry about life. i wasted so much time being depressed, being numb and tired and unhappy. now im becoming increasingly aware of how the time of childhood is nearing an end. i cant take back my past, and i cant ask for more. i just have to work with what i have and make the best of it. so maybe this isnt what i expected when i was 13 and officially became a teenager. maybe when i was little and told my parents i would always love them and never yell at them i was utterly naive. maybe when i entered high school i didnt realize how different it would be, or how it would change me in just one year. maybe i still dont know what im talking about, and in 3 years ill read this and laugh at how young i was. but hey, thats life, right? im never going to know if im right or not, if i know what im talking about. theres always more out there, and in 3 years ill be entering college, not knowing what to expect there either. ill never be able to feel safe and secure, knowing that things are going to be predictable and simple. there is always a challenge and something to worry about. i cant pick an age or a date when i will have life figured out. i cant look ahead and say where im going to be in 5, 10, 20 years. i just dont know. im never going to know what to do with myself, what to say, where im supposed to be. its all guesswork and wishful thinking. nobody can tell me what to do to make this go away, nobody can explain life to me or tell me why i think so much about this stuff. i have to worry about everything on my own, whether i want to or not.

in a few hours this will all be over, this feeling of anticipation (that word makes me think of rocky horror) and frustration. and the people i know who will read this will have a false impression of me. but whatever. i just had to put it down in a vain attempt to explain myself once again. maybe ill see jackie today and figure some of this out. then again, maybe i wont.

much love,
cassie

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again... stolen from paul	[Jun. 24th, 2005\|02:17 am]
I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions. Anything you want. Then go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.
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(no subject)	[Jun. 13th, 2005\|12:27 am]
well... school is out. and talk about a great way to start off summer: im sitting here in the dark... crying like a girl. i hate this. i hate crying and i hate being weak and i hate being unhappy. all i wanted was to have a good time and not feel like everything is screwed up. but my parents always seem to find a way to make that nearly impossible, and at the moment im not able to keep a smile on. so im sorry for being so emo tonight... but i cant really help it. or rather i wont, because im tired and frustrated... and i miss being happy... i hope this isnt a sign of things to come... because if this is how summer is going to be, then id rather just be in school. at least then i was happy. now im just screwed up and stupid...
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(no subject)	[Jun. 2nd, 2005\|05:15 pm]
i hope jackie is ok... i hate it when shes sad. i dont know what to do to help though...
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bum buda bum! cassies day!

[Jun. 1st, 2005|09:01 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	lonely	]
[	Current Music	\|	noooooone	]

life is good past the whole moral dilemma thing, so im happy.

school went ok today. i actually understood some of the stuff in science and everything in math, which is a miracle. i havent been sleeping as much as i should be, so ive been really tired recently, so its hard to concentrate. but its hard to concentrate anyways... my mind has been wandering more than usual these past few months, so whatever. not much i can do about that.

i saw jackie a few times during the course of the school day, so i got a few hugs from her which made me very happy. i love hugging her, it makes stuff ok for a while. then after school i went to dans house and we all just sort of flopped around for a few hours until i had to come home... so now im here... *sigh* i would much rather be at dans hanging out with jackie and... of course... daniel and matt. but whatever, i will over the summer i hope. it was weird not getting a ride home from jackie. i was sort of looking forward to being alone with her for more than 2 seconds, but its ok that i didnt. she seemed sort of unhappy when she came back so i didnt feel like bugging her. it did make me sad that she didnt give me a real hug when i left though. i wanted to give her one when she first showed up because i had read her letter and really wanted to talk to her. but by the time she got there i was preoccupied and i missed my chance. now i wish i hadnt. i guess ill go now... maybe shell get online... i hope.

anyways, i hope everyone is doing well. im sorry for my busyness recently. if you need me then call me or email me or something... write me a letter or comment on here or on my myspace. i dont know... get ahold of me somehow though. i havent forgotten about you!

i love yo all, and have a nice night...

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yargen shmargen...

[May. 30th, 2005|11:38 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	content	]
[	Current Music	\|	"Mad World" Gary Jules	]

i had an awesome time with jackie last night. i love being around her... because its just fun. we were gonna go downtown and meet up with some of her friends but kev sort of ditched us so we ended up getting in-n-out twice and sitting around at my house watching azumanga diaoh... or however you spell it. and incase anyone care... pelendale is so cool to drive down at night... yea. i dont know, it was really good to spend time with jackie cus i didnt see her on friday and i was going through withdrawls since im used to seeing her every day for at least a few minutes if not a few hours. but whatever...

apparently im supposed to invite people to my house tomorrow. *looks around* as far as i know most of my friends are gone for the weekend. dan is at the lake. katie is with her dad. i think ashley is with her dad too. i dont know where jess is. im not sure what kevin is up to. and jackie is supposed to be at fanime tomorrow. i dont know when shes getting back tonight, but maybe shell decide to stay home tomorrow. i doubt it... she already missed 2 days. but hopefully shell get home at a decent time tonight and still be in the mood to go out adventuring with me. because i dont have anyone else to hang out with today.

i think im gonna go do my homework and clean so... if im lucky... my parents will let me stay out uber late tonight since we have nothing to do tomorrow. apparently my jackie-driving curfew is like... 11, but im gonna try and convince my parents that that isnt necessary. since jackie was at my house for a good part of the day yesterday... maybe they can trust her more now... which means ill be able to stay out later. *thinks* it might happen... right? i can be optomistic...

this would all be so much easier if dan was home... but hes off at the lake. and i was gonna go with him but my parents didnt trust me with that either. they seem to be under the impression that im sleeping with anyone and everyone. which... by the way... im NOT! but whatever... let them think what they like... theres not much i can do to convince them otherwise. believe me... ive tried. so ill just keep trying to prove that im trustworthy, and hopefully theyll figure out that im not a liar and a cheater and a theif... and theyll trust me to do the right thing.

so if anyone wants to come over tomorrow (i dont even know who reads this) go ahead and call me... because i dont want to be stuck at home with a bunch of 6th graders tomorrow... so please... come save me! i think im gonna go take a shower, clean, do homework, and will jackie to get home early-ish now. ill write more later i guess... bye!

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i didnt want to go back here...

[May. 27th, 2005|08:37 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	lonely	]
[	Current Music	\|	nada	]

i feel so useless. i know i should be doing my homework but i cant concentrate, and theres nothing else to do. i read a little, but now i feel odd. i really miss jackie. i dont know why, i mean, i wouldnt be with her right now anyways. but i still do.

i guess on top of feeling useless i also feel this sense of urgency. the year is coming to an end. in 10 days or so school will be over. i wont be a freshman anymore. i dont want to lose all of this. i feel like ive wasted a year. like up until recently i was just sleepwalking. because in a sense i was. none of it mattered... it was just there and my life could have ended at any point without suprising me. now that ive managed to get out of that stuff is going to change. not right away, but soon. jackie is going to leave. im going to be a sophomore. ill be driving. which in turn means i will need to get a job. the seniors will be gone. the juniors will be the new seniors. and my sister will be in 7th grade. i dont want all of this to go away. i dont want to give up being the cool freshman who feels special because she hangs out with seniors. i dont want to lose the hope of having a huge freshman adventure. i have loved these past few weeks, but it makes me sad that the whole year wasnt like them. it makes me sad that every day that goes by is gone... forever. that i cant get it back. and that i cant make it up. its lost. and i dont want it to be. i dont want people to go away and change. and this is the most unhappy ive been in a while... and i dont like it. honestly, i dont know why im writing it. i dont want all of you guys to think im just being overly dramatic. especially jackie/daniel.

i guess i should go try to do homework again. if im lucky ill finish one problem. if im not ill end up texting jackie again and probably driving her insane with my annoying 15 year old self. *sigh* so long my friends...

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